• 07/06/2022
• By wizewebsite
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Coach Jan Čepelka: Why do so many relationships break up today?<

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Do you also feel that most of the people around you are divorced, separated or single? According to statistics, almost every second marriage ends in divorce. If you look into the past, in 1930 the number of divorced marriages, compared to today's almost fifty, was less than six percent. Why is this so - and why do even long-standing relationships break up? This was also one of the topics we talked about with coach Jan Čepelka.

Why are more and more people getting divorced or, on the contrary, never getting married? Where did it come from, when our great-grandmothers usually lived their whole lives in marriage?

Great-grandmothers lived at a time when roles were very clear. The man was the breadwinner and leader of the family, and the woman took care of the children and the household. It's not so clear now.

So we have it more complicated?

Yes, we have that. And it is all the more demanding in terms of communication if both partners switch traditional roles. If the man in the household gives up the role of breadwinner and leaves it to the woman, for example because she currently earns more, even if they agreed, it may gradually turn out that it was only his or her virtue out of necessity. Another reason is then also more and more children are brought up in single-parent families, when the single parent has to fulfill both polarities in the child's life - the male one who sets the boundaries, and the female one who accepts.

Is it wrong to honor the obligation to provide for the family, or to stay together "for the sake of the children"?

The result of "for the sake of the children" is that it often causes problems for people in their relationships as adults, including their relationship with themselves. It is for the children's sake that we should therefore solve it differently - in mutual agreement with the aim of preserving joy and fulfillment in everyone's lives - even if it means going apart. Children up to the age of seven absorb all information from their surroundings like a sponge and do not evaluate it. They perceive how adults treat each other and uncritically take over their values ​​and beliefs from their parents. Therefore, it is important to support children at an early age, not to embarrass them, and if possible to avoid criticizing them. Just to create a safe environment for them instead of only seeing a relationship out of obligation or two living side by side without love.

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Do some relationships end because opposites attract, but they can't last long?

From my value research, harmonious couples build harmony, not conformity. The strengths of one cover the weaknesses of the other and vice versa. It is important to value differences and be aware of them, not to judge each other through the optics of me judging you. Only in this way will the opposites stay together in the long term and there will be energy, pleasant tension and excitement, which is the spice of relationships. It is important to realize that we tend to believe what we believe to be true. But the truth is only that which is independent of the point of view. Each of us is completely unique in our own way, so it is not easy to agree on what is right, and it is even more difficult to realize impartially what is true.

I would like a specific example...

Imagine you are standing by a window and looking out. Your partner is standing on the other side by the skylight, also looking out. Would it be reasonable for you to argue about why you don't both see the same thing? Probably not. At the same time, our senses and the values ​​of our ego distort our perception in a very similar way. Someone needs to believe only in mathematical proofs, and others prefer to rely on their intuition and feelings. Some give more to what they see themselves, and others to what they hear from others. Those who can calmly talk about their view from the window in such a way that the other can imagine it have a satisfied relationship, despite their completely different natures. Because then you actually see much more together, because you complement his view with yours.

And can it be communicated at all?

It's fine, they just have to both want to and learn to talk about important things not only from their point of view, but also from the point of view of the other's setting and choose words that the other can easily understand. Our sensory and value settings are also reflected in the subconscious choice of words, the fact that someone uses the turn "I see that..." in the same situation, and another, for example, "I think..." and another likes to use "I feel that..." no coincidence at all.

So not only different views, but also a different language? It's probably no wonder that people break up, it's a miracle that they actually come together and are together!

Being in love at the beginning helps them get together. It causes us to suppress ourselves and do our best for the satisfaction of the other. The problem can come when the crush wears off. Then they have the best chance to survive precisely in relationships from which even then the desire, excitement, and joy do not disappear. It is worse when only duty and need remain.

So a confession like "be with me, I need you" is wrong?

Each of us has received some kind of "soft gift" in life - clothes or a scarf, simply things that are needed, but do not excite us, we do not desire them. They are mostly forgotten - unlike a bike or a guitar, which we longed for and remember all our lives. Therefore, a relationship should not become a need, because the fulfillment of needs drains us, while desire fills us with joy.

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You're right, it's not easy. Right from the start, it helps to create small rituals that bring you together and remind you of how it was at the beginning. It can be a romantic dinner on the anniversary, trips together once a month, or even a kiss goodnight. And the aforementioned ability to talk about things that may not be easy to communicate, but that will explain to the other person why you are in a bad mood, must not be missing. And of course, conversely, the ability to listen to the partner. And if that doesn't work, there are experts. A coach will help you change your point of view and find a solution that you may not be able to see now.

Do you no longer feel good in your relationship? You should address it because a toxic relationship can affect your health.