• 08/08/2022
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Family is not a mythTopic |Lidovky.cz<

How was the myth of the ideal family and who still feeds on us?One journalist asked.I responded sharply.Myth?How am I supposed to understand that?Is the birth of a child from gamete, egg and sperm that come from man and woman, male and female, is the myth?The fact that no child has been born of two eggs, two sperm or air, is the myth?

Who knows something about the neonatology and developmental psychology of the child, then also knows that the connection of the mother and the child does not end with birth, but continues after it and that without the influence of the father is only half the upbringing.Subsequently, however, I realized that the journalist might not want to say that the family is a myth, but to ask if there is an ideal one when more than 50 percent of marriages are divorced.

Mistake in good faith

Ideals exist to be closer to them more or less.Used to orientate whether we are not wondering.According to all knowledge in psychology, it is ideal for a child to bring him to the world and raise two loving his own parents who will also buy his siblings for everyday life of life in a peer group.In addition, there is a Convention on the Rights of the Child of 1989, which was ratified by our republic in 1991.So we have a legal ideal.

It sometimes cannot be fully fulfilled, but it is important to admit that other variants are spare if something is wrong in the original relationships.A substitute solution is not ideal but may be very good due to the original unbearable situation.However, there is still a mistake in the good faith that if congenital relationships are suppressed, they can be overlooked and do not play any role.They play.The more we do not, the more damage we can do.

Family arises where they are born.Biological binding with the mother after delivery is enriched with a psychosocial layer of development.However, biological and preverbal binding is not disturbed but shudded.Like everything alive, the original, congenital, constantly differentiates, improves to the smallest subtlety.Until joining school, in just six years, the child is so mentally developed on a conscious and unconscious level and has so many social experiences that he can do without parents half a day.

The laws of development

The relationship of mother and child soon enriches with a nascent relationship with her father, who is in the separation process of the child from the mother from the "continuous obstetrics" and the bridge to the world.Dyadic relationship turns into triadic and each in this triangle has developmental tasks.A higher -level organism that develops as a whole similar to an individual organism.It is not possible to cut it into parts without consequences.

Debts in this respect are over generations and enforce additional supplements, as described by German-American psychologist Erik Homburger Erikson (1902–1994).It is a miraculous and fragile process that can be easily damaged.Many adults do not know what is talking about.The laws of the child's development did not invent arbitrary psychologists, but discovered them by systematic observation and recording.

The separation process progresses throughout the childhood.At best, and if not violently interrupted, it ends with the so -called social birth on the threshold of adulthood.A separate individual who is prepared physically, mentally and socially to establish a healthy family, feed it without "mamahotel" and transmit the "account" of the family, as described by the handover of the life forces of the Hungarian-American family therapist Ivan Bosormyi-Nagy (1920–2007).

Selfless

The concept of the family is issued.People began to ask a question a few decades ago unnecessary.Everyone knew and experienced what the family is.Today it is not the same obviousness.Those who still have a natural family with congenital relationships of children and parents are astonished, in astonishment of adults and children are called a family and some of them think why not?They try to orientate in confusion and in terms.Academic experts are looking for a family definition and argue about the most appropriate term.

Activities take on minorities that seek to break through their unusual variants as normal.They are looking for social recognition.Traditional, conservative, liberal, natural, biological, own, stepmother, compound, single -sex, complete or incomplete or incomplete.However, few people ask: are all these forms of families equally useful for the child?Most often they respond positively, or even aggressively claim those who have failed to establish and maintain a natural family and live in some of the spare variants or even alternate.

Czech world -famous child psychologist Zdeněk Matějček (19922–2004) with co -workers did not research that about half of children from children's post -war homes were quite well used and statistically did not differ significantly from the other population.But what about the other half?What doesn't kill us will strengthen us and the kids will last a lot.But not all and everyone has a limit for which his body begins to defend himself and strike.

Rather the interests of adults

I don't know a child that wouldn't have been able to keep his parents to stay together all his life.As for the child immature and claim the opposite, it is a warning signal that in its relationship network is bad.Most little children do not say something like that but "speak the body" - they become ill or mentally or angry.This is what adults call it, it is usually an unconscious call for help.If 50 percent of families are falling apart, it's not normal.There is a risk that the entire population will become ill.It cannot be confirmed that all family variants are equally useful for the child.

There are good alternative solutions, but the interests of the child are more talking than they would be in the first place.In the vast majority these are primarily the interests of adults and it is quietly assumed that the child will adapt to.What does he have, but at what price?Research, as Matějček's team was doing in his time, and they did not even start with them.

Current research is mostly recorded only by social, the most important and short -term layer of development, they do not deal with deep psychological manifestations and irreversible transgeneration changes.These are tendentity methodologies to bring as much evidence as possible that the substitute solution is equivalent to traditional (ie obsolete) without examining their face, disadvantages or even permanent and damaging consequences.We see many of them in practice.

As in the past

The testimonies of family and individual psychotherapists are difficult to testify because they are bound by confidentiality, but I recommend a documentary film (in) parent Jana Počtová, who made six cases with the consent of the protagonists.These are real stories we know from the surgeries.Each family could come to heal from ailment without inviting it to associate problems with a broken family structure.In all stories bravely compensate for what is missing and tell about it.

Only a few who decided not to have children clearly praise their situation.This is a legitimate and honest decision to submit life forces to the world, not your own children.Their marriage is a partnership without parenting.Are part of their original families, joined and did not establish another generation.Perhaps their siblings will do that.

If eight percent of women do not want a child as stated in the film, nothing essential has changed compared to the past.Already at 70.Years had married advisors calculated that there are about ten percent of those who have no marriage prerequisites and do not establish families.No expert did not intend to be worse than others.For example, what our former President Václav Havel and his first wife Olga did, although the children did not have.

I am afraid that statistics on the forms of families and alternative solutions are only approximate, so we should not rely on them.In a society that gives little importance to whether the child's parents are married, such parameters can be poorly captured.This is a question for sociologists.As family therapists, however, we know that the composition of families, and there are thousands of them, has changed significantly over the past 30 years.

Psychosomatic disorders

Families with crumbled borders that have rebuilt their structure in the hope of doing better, including single -sex, is the vast majority.Psychosomatic disorders of children (and adults) suffer as a treadmill.Even more striking is that treatment is more successful if they manage to tune up in family therapy so that they are as close as possible to the questioned traditional family in which maternity and paternal sites are occupied by a woman and a man in accordance with their congenital instincts.

The film (not) parent shows two stories of women without a partner (and children without paternity care).They are typical when it hurts when I remember how many I have seen.We organized two seminars on the documentary Jana Počtová with a discussion on which we asked about 150 participants: Imagine that you are a child and you can choose.What option would you choose from the six stories of the stories?The vast majority won a variant of divorced parents with a child in alternating care.However, there is no alternating care as alternating care.

There are many variants of original arrangements.Some parents can admirably elaborate to a regime in which everyone has loaded but adults much more than children.I consider this to be fair and above all for the development of the child's most gentle.This happens when they both accept their own and do not deny Schism that they have partnership and parenting elsewhere.Father of the film even gave up another partnership so far.It also depends on the age of the child when these fundamental changes happen.When a girl of film father is an adult, the time for his new partnership can come.

However, the agreement of the parents who broke up is much more complicated to impossible if they managed to hurt a lot.Undoubtedly, the children are most outstanding if they have one home in which parents take turns.This is very demanding for adults and especially for their cooperation around children in one territory that used to be common.Two different cultures are developing in their new lives - lifestyles.They broke up.

A handicap compensation

Homoparental families rather avoid me, even if they have trouble because they know my experience and reflections on the family I publicly testify and publish for more than 20 years.However, families with a homosexual or transsexual individual turn to me when they decide on the further fate.It is difficult to come with one of the parents of Comming Out when children were already in the world, and the marriage is therefore disintegrating - a denied or consciously classified condition draws attention to a serious psychosomatic symptom or one of the adults.

Adapting a new situation is usually stressful or directly traumatic.At that time, the help of the new arrangement is to be established as carefully as possible for all, and in terms of children, it is not the first of a sexual orientation or identity - sex life belongs to the partnership.

The difficulty of children of homoparented parents does not consist in their parents' sex life, but that they are like children from heterosexual single -sex families.Missing deep-psychological obviousness of intimate links with the parent's parent.Social experience is not enough - as if you were born only with the right or left hand.All your life you will compensate for a handicap.

For me personally, the boundary of tolerance to many family arrangements is where the child is not yet conscious and plans in advance without raising both of their own parents.There I do not have any doubt about building adult interests first before the interest of such a planned child.The film is striking recklessness with which four homosexual participants sweep under the carpet of biological nature of conception, even though they are strongly experiencing it.They make a considerable effort to not allow what they feel and convince the audience.

Balancing the contradictory forces

The question of composed - stitched - families is complex.But the story of the movie is illustrative enough.There are two mothers in the game, three fathers and three children, only one of whom live with both their own parents, the others have alternate care.There are always two types of relationships in each family, congenital and acquired that differ.We are thrown into the innate, we cannot choose them and cannot be canceled.They can not be fulfilled, which are painful problems due to their strong congenital unconscious ingredients.

We come to the relationships from outside, are psychosocial and do not have biological roots.Usually we can freely choose and disturb them if I take it from when someone brings them a third.Are more fragile, easier without the effort and goodwill of both sides fall apart.

The first ones are centripetal and contribute to maintaining the integrity of the family organism.The other ones are centrifugal and also important as they prevent pathological closing of the society in which the family lives.Healthy is the constant balancing of both contradictory forces.The more one prevails, the more it is a pathology that forms symptoms requiring treatment and burdening health, psychological and social services.