Psychologist: Those who don't believe in themselves kick like a drowning person and drown their rescuers as well<

Do women suffer from lower self-esteem than men?We women can talk about it more, a man will not brag about it as much.

What is the biggest enemy of women's self-confidence?Being knocked down by the environment and especially at a very sensitive age, especially around puberty, but even earlier. Children's self-esteem can be destroyed by unkind parents who push for performance. A little girl from such a family then looks for a partner who is personally deranged in his own way and sometimes continues the parents' strategy and similarly knocks her down. A woman who learned from her parents in childhood that they unshakably loved her and what they liked about her and what she could work on, will grow up to be a woman who will not tolerate any aggressor next to her for a long time. He will resist.

What is healthy self-confidence?Self-confidence is the awareness of myself, of what I mean in the world, where my place is, where my needs extend to, or where they collide with someone else's needs. It has several components and sometimes we tend to confuse it with the so-called penetration through corpses. However, it also includes sensitivity to the environment.

To what extent is the capacity for healthy self-esteem innate and to what extent acquired?I am convinced that it is largely acquired. Innate assumptions really play a minimal role. The principle that children are influenced more not by what we say to them, but by how we behave ourselves is manifested more than anywhere else in the level of self-confidence. Children copy us very skillfully and faithfully. A child of a self-confident mother will probably be worse off than one whose mom works on herself step by step and perhaps even shares some of her knowledge with him. The child absorbs her experience and that trusting oneself is something to think about. It will be ready to work on itself.

Do I know if I have the right amount of self-confidence?This is complicated, it often does not have to be balanced in all spheres, and then we have it and we don't - how in what. There are areas where we believe in ourselves unshakably and then others in which we have no experience or experience and are just learning to have it.

Do we know by some signal that we lack self-confidence?When our life is based on someone else, from someone else's comfort or discomfort. They are typically women who give up everything for the sake of a man and children - green widows, taxi drivers who have nothing in life for themselves. Children need them less and less, the man almost considers them household equipment, and the woman loses her self-worth because she no longer has anything to distract her from. She easily asserts herself when the child is small and absolutely needs her. But if these women stay at home for decades, they are unhappy, often drink, unfaithful and stuck in a vicious circle. To put it very simply, it would help them if they had time for themselves and their hobby. I am a supporter of the fact that they should return to work or devote themselves to charity. They should have some significant interest in doing something that will fill their time in a good way.

So if they clean, take care of the children, do the shopping, cook a warm dinner, that is not enough for women today to feel confident?Up to a certain preschool age, yes, but older children are already in much more relaxed contact with their mother than the little ones. Elderly people need more time for themselves and they don't keep mum busy anymore. What about the free time? Such a woman suddenly has no idea what to fill it with.

If she doesn't know how to fill her time and what would make her happy, should she choose a "hobby"?Finding out what I would like to do is part of working on my own self-confidence. It's probably not worth it at all costs, but it's good to work on yourself. It happens that women change jobs after maternity leave, also because full-time with children is not possible, they throw themselves into business, which is exactly the time that the woman then has only for herself.

How to find what would make her happy?She can find it herself, but of course she can turn to others, because for someone it is a big role to be able to express her thoughts out loud and thus organize them. She can turn to psychologists and coaches, who will guide her through her inner world and figure out for herself what she once enjoyed in life, how it changed, what influence her parents had...

When does our self-confidence form the most?Of course, we acquire it most easily and naturally during childhood in the family of origin. A child is born egocentric. Everything revolves around him, which is fine. Only we parents teach him that we all have our needs. By claiming them as appropriate for his age, he learns that in order to be good parents, we also need to rest sometimes. With monkey love, which puts him on a pedestal, we harm him on the contrary. He will not learn that others have their needs and may have a problem entering kindergarten. As soon as he comes into contact with the social environment and his self-confidence develops strongly, he should already be prepared by the family background.

Does self-confidence develop differently in girls and in boys?Boys have one advantageous ability from an early age: they know how to conserve energy. If they're using her for something, they damn well know why they're doing it. But it is always necessary for a child to have role models from both parents. In principle, it does not matter if they are of the same gender or not, but it is important that there are two, because the child needs to experience two slightly different approaches. He has some innate personality traits and then looks at his parents' strategies. If they play down their achievements and don't allow themselves to talk about them, they redirect their low self-esteem to the children as well. Even if they praise them a hundred times, it will not help until they realize that they too should work on themselves.

What do parents often do wrong?They choose the simplest, but not the best, strategy - namely to scare the child. By force, they demand an authority that says, so be it. Even at the cost of the child not understanding the command. But he listens because he is afraid. In such an environment, a person will grow up who is not self-confident, cannot make a decision on his own and will always wait for some authority to order him to do something. Alternatively, he himself will "turn" into an authoritarian and be a despot. The explanation strategy is definitely harder. It consists in the fact that, when we want something from the child, we try to be understandable. It doesn't have to be a complicated lecture, but we will explain our decision in a few sentences. It may happen that the child understands us and yet does not respond because he is trying to push his boundaries. Then it's time to command. In this way, we will raise children who will sometimes discuss with us instead of immediately listening, but it is valuable for them. In the outside world, they will not follow many meaningless commands like sheep. It will be clear to them that if they invest their energy in something, they must know why.

How is it that some other countries manage to raise self-confident people? Isn't it because from a young age we are judged by mistakes, not successes? In schools, teachers are no longer looking for what we can do, but highlight in red what we didn't do?It will take a few more generations before that changes.

First of all, girls and women relate their self-confidence to their appearance. Why?I would say that it has been blurring in terms of gender in the last ten years. Even boys are fixated on appearance. Children are "herd", they compare themselves a lot, and are influenced by the cultural influence of their surroundings. By our standards, it is currently the cult of the slim body, where healthy means slim, although this may not always be the case. Children are looking for it and parents can help them a lot if they don't adore the look. Suffice it to say, it's nice when they pay attention to how they look and at the same time remind them of other positives in which they can find satisfaction.

Is physical self-confidence a pillar of how much we believe in ourselves?It doesn't have to be. Children react a lot to what their family tells them. At a certain age, they need to hear from their parents - and girls especially from their fathers - that they are the most beautiful little girls, in order to get a certain "satiation" of their need for physical self-confidence. In puberty, when the fact that they become the object of boys, who in turn mainly discover girlish curves at that age, comes into play, their self-confidence will be on a different starting line. A healthy attitude is characterized by the fact that I don't want to remake myself for someone else and I will learn to be happy the way I am.

Teenage girls are more likely than boys to want to study psychology. Isn't it related to their low self-esteem, which they want to help with their studies?Sometimes it really results from lack of self-confidence. When I started studying psychology, it was said that either those who have problems with themselves, or those who have something serious in their family, or the Samaritans, study the field. Women are generally more socially sensitive, so if they want to study psychology, it somewhat reflects the fact that they want to be in good contact with others, which starts with understanding myself better.

Is low self-love related to the rise of plastic surgery to stop aging?There are confident women who get new breasts or lids for fun and it has nothing to do with their self-esteem. And then those zamindraked people who undergo whatever, and it doesn't bring them joy and it doesn't help their self-confidence. Today, the pressure is on us to look good for a long time, so if we don't exaggerate the care of our appearance or impose it on the environment and we do something hand in hand to make us feel good inside ourselves, then why not undergo some plastic surgery? But if you ask men, you will find out that a few extra kilos don't matter, that even if they don't like one hundred percent of their partner's appearance, it doesn't matter that much. They are fine with a partner who is fine with herself.

Is it also true that women generally work more with themselves, while men tend to push problems away?Traditionally, it used to be that way. But in my clinic I see that it is leveling off and more and more men are coming. They are ready to talk about themselves and work on themselves, which is only good for interpersonal relationships. It is also a reflection of the fact that men have lost their original position in society - they are no longer the sole breadwinners and women can actually do without them. It is up to them to manage this change of roles - they often transfer it to parenthood, where they are much more active than before. If women are able to see that and appreciate them for it, then that's great.

What does this role reversal do to both of their self-esteem? If a man was earning and now - if I exaggerate, he is mixing porridge and changing diapers at home - how does he value himself and the woman values ​​him?It is all about mutual respect for whatever work we do. Before, the man earned and the woman took care of the home and children. Unlike today, the spheres of interest of the sexes did not intermingle. Today, it is a good idea to talk in advance about how you both envision living together and raising children. We women are more sensitive, we are closer to emotions and we create a safe home environment. If we act traditionally feminine and are able to see and appreciate what a man does, he is very likely to reciprocate. Whereas if I am only strict and critical of him and I see the very flaws, he has nothing to give me back. I am convinced that when mutual appreciation is not going well in a couple, it pays for the woman to start it. So that she finds in herself what is in us, i.e. the ability to take care of relationships, of home.

Our grandmothers were quite confident in their roles, so where did it go wrong?As our interests are now intertwined, we sometimes want to compete with men unnecessarily at any cost. The role of man and woman will never be the same. As if we were born with black skin and desperately tried to whiten it. Such an effect will never be good. A simpler strategy is to accept what I've been given and do the best we can, which is basically simple common sense.

Do many women come to your counseling center whose problems are caused by low self-esteem?Often hand in hand with the problem they come with. Low self-esteem usually makes us act restless and in shock. Like when you're drowning and kicking around and you're able to drown even those who try to save you. Similar to when there is one bad part in a device that eventually destroys the entire device. Relationships are like physics: if you apply force to an object, it will not respond, but vice versa. If I want to change another person by force and adapt them to my own image, he will not go along with me. I have to release the pressure and ideally start working on myself. The pressure is off, the other can take a breath and then look around and decide whether or not to lean into me. It's hard because we have a natural tendency to have control over things and at that point we actually lose it mentally. That I will get a well-functioning relationship? That's nice, but because the effect isn't immediate, our anxiety wins and we cling to that destructive control.

What can a woman do on her own if she doesn't believe in herself enough?In her place, I would look for something in which I would feel satisfied, in which I would have at least a small feeling that I had succeeded in something and would not it depends on the partner. It can be, for example, running and the joy of not spitting out my lungs, or starting to create with my hands... The result of some activity in which I invested energy can bring me a little joy. And it would also be nice if my activity, during which I recharge my batteries and rest, was not one-off, but had continuity. My reward will be more comfortable functioning in the relationship and in the family and more frequent smiling, which others will surely appreciate.