• 23/05/2022
• By wizewebsite
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And when will you get him siblings? The stereotype that a family must be at least two children survives<

There is still a stereotype in society about only children as spoiled and introspective. It is also somehow "naturally" assumed that they are lonely, domineering and unable to create quality partner relationships. And then what about their parents? They are selfish and sacrifice their child's happiness, which they could experience with their sibling, for their own comfort and career. Although research confirms that there is no such thing as the incapable only child syndrome, the question "And when are you going to get him siblings?" to some it still seems normal, harmless and justified. Why is it best to end it already?

"People around me ask why we only have one child. Advice like: 'Get another one, the little one can't be alone' is no exception. I don't understand why he can't, I don't think that the fact that he doesn't have siblings they suffer in some way. I especially hate the slogan that some mothers often use, 'one child, no child'," says forty-one-year-old office worker Monika, mother of eight-year-old Matěj.

She always wanted two children. "However, something was still happening, several moves, the financial side, job changes and suddenly I found out that I am forty," she lists the reasons. There were a few attempts to have siblings, but they didn't work out, and even though she still thinks she could have another child, her husband doesn't want to. The prejudice of an only child as spoiled, isolated and the one who always gets everything he points to bothers her.

Growing up without a sibling is a disease

The concept of the "useless only child" dates back to the nineteenth century. According to American psychologist Granvill Stanley Hall, growing up without siblings was a disease in itself, and psychologist Eugene William Bohannon described such individuals as hypersensitive, less courageous and vain. According to psychotherapist and member of the Czech Association for Psychotherapy, Renáta Složilová, the prejudice of a family with one child as incomplete may be rooted in the past. "Before, it was usual for a family to have several descendants and live together for several generations. However, it was a different time with different set requirements. In the current, modern world, its institute has changed noticeably and this process continues. It is now more common to have one child and it is it's up to everyone how they set it up," explains the expert.

Probably the most significant work in refuting prejudices about only children was done by psychologists Toni Falbová and Denise Politová. Falbová herself grew up without siblings, and as a mother of one child, she has been working on this topic since the seventies. Together with Politová, they analyzed 141 studies on individuals growing up without siblings. Studies examining individuals' character, achievement, intelligence, and ability to socialize, conducted across classes and races, primarily in the United States, have shown that only children are no different from those with brothers and sisters. The only difference was that female academics were more intelligent and successful together with first-borns. Falbová and Politová did not find any research that would confirm that only children are lonely, selfish and maladaptive.

Only children are more self-confident and cope better with loneliness

The assumption that a child who grows up without siblings is spoiled has a simple explanation - he does not have to share financial and other resources with someone else. In positive cases, mother and father have more time, energy and money for him. The child can then attend more clubs, the parents can help him more thoroughly with homework and he has their full attention. Research shows that this kind of attention leads to better academic results and higher self-confidence, which results in work and other success. According to Složilová, the other side is, of course, the possible excessive pressure that some parents can exert on the child.

Forty-one-year-old Monika also sees the advantages of having an only child: her son has classes four times a week and she can devote herself fully to him. She can't imagine having to bring a second child into the mix yet, but she says that if such a situation were to arise, of course it would be arranged somehow. "I know that I won't replace his siblings, of course, but I don't think that he is isolated and alone. He socializes with his peers and we go on vacation in several couples who have children of the same age," he confirms in his words the results of Dutch research carried out on more than two thousands of second-grade elementary school students, according to whom only children are no less happy.

According to Složilová, the ability to cope with loneliness can be an advantage that children without a brother or sister have in their lives. "In a certain respect, it even suits them better this way. More often they find their own way of approaching things and life situations and how to solve them. Sometimes these are very innovative, unconventional and courageous approaches," says the psychotherapist. Logically, they are more likely to not rush into situations and relationships just because of the fear of loneliness.

This is also confirmed by the thirty-two-year-old journalist Kristýna, who has no siblings. "When you don't have someone around you all the time, you learn from childhood to better tolerate being alone. This is an advantage later in life. I also didn't have to compare myself to anyone and then feel inferior. But it's true that I wished an older brother who would be my protector," says Kristýna, who sometimes hears remarks from those around her that she is a spoiled only child. "However, they were always meant as a joke and as a repetition of some general stereotype," he adds.

When asked, "So when is the next one?" forget

The only child stereotype implies one essential thing, namely that the question: "And you won't get him siblings?" will still come across as harmless to the majority of society. "People should ask what they are really interested in. Not for their own benefit and out of mere curiosity. It is good to ask if such a question is not uncomfortable for the other party, to wait for an answer or to time such a question well. We do not know what the given person experienced in life, we don't know the painful and sensitive places of others," Složilová explains.

It alludes to the fact that while some families feel complete with one child (and do not want to constantly explain their choice), others cannot financially afford a second child, or the woman has experienced such a difficult birth, postpartum depression or miscarriage that this he does not want to repeat the experience - and certainly not to talk about it while walking the dog, when he accidentally meets an old acquaintance.

For example, research from last November, led by academics Radka Dudová, Hana Hašková and Jana Klímová Chaloupková from the Institute of Sociology of the Academy of Sciences of the Czech Republic, shows that even if some couples decide to have one child on their own initiative, or have their first child already in at a later age, it is usually not their choice. The decision often stems from external circumstances, such as a lack of finances and the difficult combination of working life with the demanding care of a child.

"I don't have to apologize and explain why I have one child, but I do. I try to explain it by saying that I'm actually sorry that it wasn't the right time, we moved a lot, I was waiting for the extension of my work contract... Then I hear objections that these are just excuses. Well, maybe yes, but only I myself know if I feel like it at that moment," explains Monika. She feels the pressure not only on herself, but also on her son. "Especially when the whole thing is presented to him in such a way that it's not normal for him to have no siblings and that the poor guy is alone."

Very naturally and clearly describes the question about the second child as small talk about a big topic in an anonymous article on the British website Guardian, a father of one child who subsequently experienced three miscarriages with a woman. "What would people say if I told them that we're not thinking about another child right now because we've spent the last two years grieving baby number two, three and four? If I then said to them, 'So what, you want to talk about it now?' worst or best miscarriage? How about the one my wife had at work and she panicked in her white pants and had to take more than a week off? Or the other one when I was getting on a plane for a work meeting and she didn't she say anything because she wanted me to finish a job I'd been working on for months?"

We automatically assume that those who have siblings are better off. As well as those who have children. Složilová herself is an only child and has an only, sixteen-year-old daughter. From his practice, he describes cases of only children with extreme differences in character. "I know wonderful only children who are movers and inspirers, as well as those who are insensitive and inconsiderate of others. Just like all people in general. The best thing you can give your child is not a sibling, but love and acceptance."

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