Aleš's story: Several attempts of artificial insemination destroy our relationship<

I have been with my wife for almost twelve years. We're both the same age, we were about twenty-three when we met. At first glance, love was back then. We didn't bother for a long time, we immediately entered the relationship head on. First date, first kiss and first sex. A month passed and we started living together. A year passed and we got married.

From the very beginning, the woman said she wanted children, not one, not two, three or four. I didn't mind, even though her numbers made my head a little hard. I would settle for a maximum of two children, a girl and a boy. That would be enough for me. The plans were in the world and we threw ourselves into their fulfillment. It was very pleasant at first, but the woman did not get pregnant. She was impatient, she thought we would throw ourselves into "it" and in nine months she would be born. But the opposite was true. Although we threw ourselves into "it" at any moment, we did not manage to conceive a child.

Over time, it slowly became a sport, the wife of the conception of the child subjected everything. I had to be on the tags whenever the days were right and woe to me if I didn't happen. It started to make me tired, but I thought to myself: don't think you're doing your job and enjoying yourself. So I enjoyed having children, but I didn't enjoy my wife's moods anymore when it didn't work out.

One failure after another

A year, two, three and nothing passed. We went through various examinations and they all showed that there is no reason why we should not be able to do it one day. The wife even spent several weeks in the spa repeatedly.

Then the doctors advised us not to take it so seriously (especially the wife), whether to take a vacation, one or more, let's not just focus on having to have a child at all costs. The wife was explicitly forbidden to monitor her fertile days, measure temperatures and similar activities, because they stress her the most.

And if we keep it all nice, she will definitely get pregnant soon. The doctors advise it nicely, they were of course right, but my wife calmed down a bit, but she kept talking about how beautiful it would be if we had a baby.

Unfortunately, we did not start the child in a natural way. I managed to deal with it, I thought we had each other, we love each other, we're fine, so we just stay there, change our plans and live like thousands of other couples who don't have children. We will have time for ourselves, we will enjoy each other…

Artificial insemination did not help either

But my wife was so fixated on having a baby that she persuaded me to go into artificial insemination. I didn't want to, but in the end she promised me that if, after several attempts, it didn't work out, she would just come to terms with it. But even artificial insemination did not work after several attempts. Her doctor has even advised her to give up, stop worrying, and simply take it as a fact that we won't have children.

But my wife is ready for a psychiatrist. He can't deal with the fact that we just won't have a baby. She is annoying, quarrelsome, you can't talk to her at all. She still claims that it is simply not possible that we do not have a child, that the doctors once told her that it is possible. If we talk about anything at home at all, it's that we don't have children and she wants them. He drives me away, he doesn't want to do anything with me. When I tell her we're not old enough to do it yet, she yells at me that she doesn't want to wait for anything, that she wants a baby now. At the same time, we do not sleep together at all.

It's crazy, sometimes I wonder if I need it at all. If I weren't better without her. Ales

Expert opinion: divert attention

PhDr. Magdalena Dostálová, psychologist and psychotherapist of the Counseling Center for Family, Marriage and Interpersonal Relations, Prague 12.

Dear Aleš. The desire for offspring is deeply rooted in the human race (and let's be gender-incorrect: the female generation in particular). Today, unfortunately, more and more couples are facing fertility problems, which sometimes can be clarified from a medical point of view, but other times their cause remains a mystery.

The couple has long been unable to conceive in a natural or assisted way, which often throws women into despair, especially. As if the suffering of infertility alone was not enough. The environment, whether lay or professional, is willing to rush here with all-encompassing advice, so that a few conceptions do not solve such a concept, or so that they do not put so much pressure on the saw ”and do not focus only on conception. Eventually, he just keeps asking when the stork will finally arrive. The advice does not work and unwanted actors of such a show are increasingly falling into despair.

Although I think that well-targeted medication could help, I am afraid (I know from my professional experience) that a woman who currently wants nothing more than to become pregnant may not accept it. What she could nod to is psychological help. An expert, psychologist, psychotherapist, ideally with experience with clients undergoing infertility treatment, is the right medicine for the vicious circle in which you are now, unfortunately.

Therapy requires a great deal of commitment on the part of the client, which in itself shows a way out of the stress associated with repeated unsuccessful attempts to conceive. In my experience, relatively hard work on oneself often manages that desired side effect.

Diverting attention only from attempts to conceive in the finale really tends to have the effect of suddenly getting pregnant. As with other processes in a person's life, it is not enough here to advise another person to do or not to do something. You need to internalize the process of change, just as you do with a physiotherapist practicing proper posture. After a while, one can learn, but the way to abandon old stereotypes may not always be easy and straightforward.PhDr. Magdalena Dostálová

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