• 14/05/2022
• By wizewebsite
• 681 Views

As the guy sees it: My husband left me after twenty years, he has another one, but he doesn't want a divorce<

Question from reader Marie

Hello, I wanted to ask… my husband told me after 20 years that he does not love me and went to his lover. We are still in contact, we have a nice relationship, I would say we communicate better, but why doesn't he want a divorce when he leaves us? I'm desperate, angry, sad, angry, even if I don't show it in front of him. Actually, I don't even know if I would take him back, but I don't want a divorce either. I'm confused and I don't know what to do.

Thank you, Marie

Tomáš Erben answers

Dear Maruško,

so what if you showed him all the emotions you write about? Have you thought about what makes you keep a "balanced face"? Maybe that's how you both have it. I know from practice that determination on at least one side is desirable (the proverbial "having balls"). The other will then have no choice but to submit. Better than stepping on the spot. So I wouldn't resist any concussion, especially when you're suppressing something in yourself.

The map out of your confusion is nowhere else but inside you. Whether your husband will or will not divorce is secondary to you, if you know what you are worth.

Try to recapitulate your relationship from a new perspective. To get rid of inertia, habits, think about what the relationship took, what it gave you. What new opportunities do you have in the situation you are in. Imagine someone disinterested in the relationship. Would you advise a friend if she were in your shoes to try to pull her partner back, or would you congratulate her on her freedom and wish her many new experiences in the next episode of her life?

The only thing that is quite obvious from your words is that you do not want a divorce. If that's true, but you're also hesitant to take it back, then I don't know exactly what the vacuum between the two options is. Won't you divorce and be together? Would you try to bury yourself in yourself, as evidenced by it? Any worries?

I understand you have children together. However, if I may recommend, don't look for an excuse to end them half-heartedly, unresolved. The children will get their head around it. Natožpak city. Rather, take advantage of the good communication between you and come up with a constructive solution. Rather than letting the relationship hang in the middle (which can take years and lead a constant life of compromise), agree on real separation and its rules. I can imagine that the uncertainty is unpleasant for you - it's different, but he didn't close the door behind me. What does it mean?

It keeps you on the ground selfishly as he walks like a peacock. So the next challenge for you is - how can you use this situation to your advantage? Something that bothered you about him, what limited you, or did you limit yourself to him? What if you knew you only had this freedom for three months?

You say you don't know what to do. Have you tried anything yet? With what result? So basically you have two options - do nothing and maybe in time it will work out for you. Or start something, try. The fact that you wrote to me is a step forward.

To sum it up - really focus on yourself at the beginning - YOUR NEEDS, YOUR CONCERNS, YOUR DESIRE. Like on a plane - you put on a mask first so you can look at the others. Take everything that comes to your mind as a rare stimulus, as a possible path on that map. For example: "I miss a loving embrace and at the same time it irritates me that while he is messing with another, I remain only a mother." Feel free to divide your suffering into several areas - children, intimacy, property, dating again, the near future - you will see that a few things that you can help yourself with will be lost. I can write with you, my friends will listen to you, but only you can move on.

Partnership, intimacy, relationship with yourself… Are you a little lost? Don't be indifferent, it's your life! The first step up may be that you just write to me… www.tomaserben.cz.

Or you can contact Tomáš through us, write him your question to redakce@femina.cz and we will pass it on to him. And also try to advise Maria how you would behave in her place? Write to us in the discussion…