15/02/2023
By wizewebsite
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Monika (25): my mother died of cancer, I have to take care of my two younger sisters<

At twenty-five, we deal with studies, internships abroad, travel, finding partners or our own selves. Dating, mortgages, a job that we would enjoy, eventually losing weight and sometimes even the first children of our own. Twenty-five-year-old Monika Svajčíková fell head over heels into the role of breadwinner, surrogate mother and protector of one of her seventeen-year-old and nine-year-old sisters.

"The stories of families who recently lost their homes, possessions and some even the lives of their members in Moravia cannot leave anyone cold. In addition to the national calamity, even small private life tornadoes, which are equally devastating, should not escape our attention," says Edita Mrkousová, executive director of Patrona dětí, a charity organization of the Sirius Foundation.

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One day in June, she traveled to this organization a request for help paying for summer camp for a nine-year-old girl. A rather extraordinary life story was connected with this request - for today's time. Her main characters were initially reluctant to publish. But in the end, after consulting with her younger sister, the "head of the family" decided to go to the market with the skin. "When our mother died of cancer, I realized my desperate lack of information. I think that, in addition to information about the disease itself, it would also help the other survivors to have an idea of what awaits them afterwards. That nothing ends with the passing of a loved one. On the contrary, everything is just beginning," says Monika.

Nothing will ever be the same again

Monika is the oldest of four siblings, all girls. When she was sixteen, her youngest sister Maruška was born. A year later, the parents divorced. At eighteen, Monika finished high school, found a job and a boyfriend. From today's point of view, she lived a carefree life until she was twenty-four. Today, she says, she has to laugh when she remembers what she then considered a "big problem" that she was struggling with.

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She turned twenty-four when mom stopped feeling well. However, as is often the case with single mothers, they do not have time for self-observation and visiting doctors. More precisely, they don't make it. But the pain and fatigue increased, so mom went to the doctor after all. "That's when we found out that she was late," Monika recalls of the worst moment of her life. Cancer at a stage where chemotherapy would extend her life by half a year. The fact that we couldn't do anything was so terrible that we didn't even realize it at first.

Mommy immediately decided not to go to the hospital and to moan at home so that we wouldn't lose a minute when we could all still be together. We elders concentrated on preparing the youngest Maruška sensitively for her mother's departure. It was not possible to hide that something bad was happening from her for a long time. Mom was lying down, and even though my sisters and I tried very hard, Maruska could see us crying."

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Leaving

All the current and future responsibilities of the head of the family began to shift to Monika. She went to work, shopped, cleaned, cooked, washed. Her mother gradually gave her information about all official matters that concerned the family. After eight months of suffering at home, the mother told her daughters that she was going to the hospital. "It was no ordinary announcement sentence. It was both a request and an order," says Monika quietly.

Monika (25): mother died of cancer, I have to take care of two younger sisters

"She didn't want us to see her losing control of her body and consciousness in the last stage. In front of Maruška, we still pretended that she was going there for a while. At the same time, we knew that he would never return home. That's why we visited her and were with her as much as possible."

In the flood of everything else, it can look like a rash. It is said that one of the worst tasks for Monika was the trip to the younger sisters' schools when she had to explain the family situation. "Mom really wanted us to function completely normally. So they went to school and work normally, but nothing was normal. I haven't talked about my mother's illness with anyone until now. It was only when I had to explain out loud to the class teachers at school: Our mother is in the hospice, therefore the girls will be at home more often, that her dying became a definitive fact. Additionally, I thank you that the schools have been very welcoming and considerate towards the nurses."

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Miracles don't happen

The psyche is a complex thing. The reality was relentless, but the sisters believed until the last moment that a miracle would happen. "The hospice allowed us to spend the night with mom in the room. I thought it was important that Maruška was with her mother until the last moment. But in the end it was not possible. When she was really sick, Maruška was taken in by a neighbor. We three sisters surrounded mom's bed. She was dying in our society. We were all holding hands, saying nice things to her. Her faint smile warms my heart when I promised her that we will take care of Maruška, we will bring her to adulthood. She left in peace. That was our last gift to her.”

When Monika looks back on the period that came immediately after, she says that everything is in a fog. When asked if she had anyone in her family to lean on, she shakes her head. Grandfather and grandmother are dead, the only aunt lives far away.

"People from a non-profit organization advised me about the funeral. Recommendations that one can google everything are fine if you are fine. I just wanted to cry, the middle sister was collapsing, Maruška was beside herself. In the end, however, I had to go around everything, come up with a plan, make phone calls, pay, and let everyone know that mom was not there. The funeral is a blur in my memory. Just scraps.”

Other worries

Monika doesn't want to talk about her father. "Ours got married very young and the fact that we are four girls is the result of his vain desire for a son. It was probably better that they separated and the father started a new family. It bothers me that he didn't consider the youngest two, neither when mom was sick, nor when she died. He came to the funeral. He promised to support us, help us. And that was the motto. I don't blame him for breaking up with his mom. There is no excuse for leaving a nine-year-old child in the lurch.''

Monika immediately requested that the younger underage sisters be placed in foster care. "It is not a pleasant process. But I can say that the social workers treated us politely. But my nerves clicked until the last moment, because you never know who will have what objections. We live in a rented house, so I was stressed with questions: Will it be enough? Won't it? Moving would get to us all. I woke up with fears of what I would do if I couldn't keep my promise to my mother. When they entrusted Martinka and Maruška to me at court, I was very happy." Monika does not talk about her second-born, twenty-year-old sister. "She didn't do anything wrong. She just arranged her life and doesn't live with us anymore.''

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What is the hardest thing today

A year has passed since mom died. What does 25-year-old Monica find most difficult at the moment? Oddly enough, the answer is not "finances", even though it is also fought with, but education. "Maruska now has a period when she doesn't listen. She says I'm not her mom, she doesn't want to help. He punishes me for my mother's departure. It is quite difficult for me to fight her now. I understand that it is very painful for a nine-year-old child to see his mother die, but there must be order and rules. She also deals with why her dad doesn't like her and isn't interested in her. What can I say to her? At the same time, they don't have any major problems with her at school. That's where it stays. On the other hand, at home there are scenes around writing assignments and checking them. Covid and the isolation associated with it did not help us much either. I resisted it for a long time, more precisely, there were so many other worries. However, I want to start working with a psychologist in the near future."

What now, what then

Monika left her job when she needed to be with her mother for 24 hours in the last week of her life. "There was nothing more important to me at that moment. I wasn't able to concentrate on anything else," she explains. Then she was overwhelmed by a pile of responsibilities, covid came. For a while, it was possible to live a modest life with savings. Now she is currently looking for a job that would allow her to pick up Maruška from the group on time.

As she hears from other mothers, it is not an easy task, but she does not accept failure. "I am the sole breadwinner of the family, I learned to fight." Cooking and housework, on the other hand, did not surprise her. "Mother taught us how to cook from an early age. Fortunately, I enjoy it to save money, I spend a lot of time at the stove. My favorite thing to do is to bake, but I'm cutting back on that now. Maruska gained weight during covid and probably also due to stress. I now cook as healthy as possible and sweets do not exist in our house. But she also takes it as if I'm doing it on purpose," concludes Monika with a sad smile.

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Time for rest and joy

He thinks for a while about the question of how he rests. He says that he rests mainly by sleeping and by meeting his boyfriend once in a while. He is very tolerant. "But I don't deal with my own private life now. I have no capacity left. I kind of let everything flow. Time will tell," he adds.

And what makes you happy? He thinks again for a moment. "When I play music and just dance for a while between work. I was extremely happy that Maruška in the Patron of Children was selected for the summer camp in no time. I didn't expect that at all. I used to go to hang out with a friend once a month. Now maybe we will meet when Maruška starts going to school again. But when I really need to get a kick out of something, 'men's jobs' help me the most. So that I don't have time for dark thoughts, I have to do something with my hands. When I was at my worst, I plastered the walls in the girls' room, painted, cleaned and then rearranged their furniture. I enjoyed that tremendously. As a child, I enjoyed the ceramic ring immensely. Since then, I know that I am satisfied with everything that is at least a little bit creative and the result can be seen."

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Monika does not have any major plans for the future . "We are all scattered health-wise. We need to sort ourselves out. I have to find a job, I want Martinka to finish school, and Maruška needs to be soothed. I will not replace my mother, but I would like to give her at least a little bit of a nice childhood and I believe that we will manage it!" Monika concludes her story.

Will you also be a patron of children?

Patron of Children is an online charity project founded by the Sirius Foundation in 2017. It is focused on direct assistance to needy children in the form of targeted public collections. Since its inception, it has supported more than 6,186 children's stories, which were contributed by over 28,032 people for an amount exceeding 64.9 million crowns. More at https://patrondeti.cz/vysledky.